If someone you love has started showing signs of incontinence, the first thing to know is that it is incredibly common, especially among older adults.

However, simply because a condition is considered common does not mean it should be considered expected or accepted as just another part of aging. For many individuals with incontinence, it is often treatable and regardless, very manageable. Speaking to a doctor or another trained healthcare specialist is always necessary if you notice a change in your loved one’s continence abilities. And through a proper diagnosis of the underlying cause, you’ll be able to acquire an appropriate course of treatment or management plan.

But, of course, it’s important to discuss these new symptoms with your loved one first – a conversation that we know can be incredibly difficult to have.

When It’s Time to Talk

If you notice that your loved one has started to have accidents more than “every once in a while,” or if the occasional dribble has turned into more of a gush, it means it’s time to have a conversation about incontinence and absorbency products.

However, choosing the right moment for what can be a challenging conversation is a vital first step for setting you both up for success. It’s important to find a time when your loved one feels most at ease, preferably when it’s just the two of you, in a familiar, private setting.

Consider if the roles were reversed – how would you most like to receive a conversation like this?

How to Start the Conversation

Our favorite tip to make sure emotions don’t escalate before the conversation has had a chance to begin is to start off by asking your loved one if now is a good time to talk about something hard.

This question both gives them the ability to consider their headspace and feel a bit more autonomy before diving into a conversation that might be very embarrassing for them. It allows them to say no if it’s actually not a good time for them while also setting expectations up front that this conversation might be uncomfortable, which helps to prevent feelings of getting ambushed.

In this instance, if they do say no, it’s important to honor their answer and move on (for now). Tell them that you appreciate their honesty and that you can try again tomorrow. Reiterate that it’s a conversation that you think is important, but you can wait until it’s a good time for both of you.

Once you find a good time, try kicking off the conversation with questions that allow them to explain what they’ve been experiencing in their own words without interjecting your own observations. For example, instead of saying, “I’ve noticed you’ve had difficulty making it to the bathroom on time,” try, “do you ever struggle to make it to the toilet in time?” or “have you ever had an accident or a leak that required a change of clothing?”

Most importantly, ensure that they feel heard and understood while maintaining a perspective of compassion and empathy. Ask questions about how instances like these made them feel in the moment, and how they feel about it now. Reassure them that you understand why they would feel that way, but make sure they know they are not alone.

Incontinence can be a very isolating experience, but reiterating that it is a common condition and there is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed of is helpful to keep the conversation on track.

Sometimes, a tough conversation like this can trigger intense feelings of shame and frustration, in which case they might take out their anger on you for bringing up the topic. In this instance, you can also try reigniting the conversation with a doctor present. The doctor will most likely handle the weight of the conversation and prevent emotions from escalating to an unproductive place.

Overcoming (Your Own) Emotional Hurdles

Your loved one’s emotions aren’t the only feelings that need to be handled with care. For caregivers, many of the same emotions that your loved one is feeling – embarrassment, shame, anger, frustration – can be just as prevalent for you. It’s normal to feel embarrassment for what your loved one is going through and for your role in witnessing them in such a vulnerable state. These feelings can be especially difficult when caring for a parent. The sudden shift in power dynamics as well as the inherently intimate nature of talking about incontinence can feel deeply unsettling.

Know that your feelings and experiences are just as valid as your loved one’s. Talking to other people who understand your situation – whether in a support group setting or through individual therapy – is enormously helpful. And taking care of your own mental health is necessary if you want to be a strong support system for your loved one.

Talking Details

Once the ice is broken and the initial challenge of broaching the topic has been overcome, it’s time to start discussing a day-to-day management plan and course of action.

While making an appointment to talk with a doctor should be at the top of the to-do list, investing in quality incontinence underwear or other types of absorbency supplies is a close second. Furthermore, educating yourself on the different kinds of incontinence and incontinence products before you engage in the conversation will enable you to speak with more confidence on the topic and will help your loved one feel more confident asking questions.

Often, addressing the social stigma that comes with adult diapers head on can provide some relief to the tension of the conversation. Acknowledge that you understand that it’s there, but it’s irrelevant for so many reasons. Most importantly, if you choose the right kind of product with the right fit, no one will ever know your loved one is wearing an incontinence product. The entire point of premium absorbency products is to maintain discretion and comfort.

Leaking is noticeable. Wearing well-fitting, quality incontinence briefs are not noticeable. NorthShore’s MegaMax offers up to 12 hours of leak-free protection, allowing your loved one to carry on about their everyday life just as they did before their incontinence symptoms started.

For additional help learning the basics of incontinence care, you can download our Caregiver E-Book to find a quick glossary of all the most important incontinence terms to know.

If you need any extra help along the way in deciding which kind of absorbency product is right for your loved one – from tab-style diapers and pull-ons to guards and liners, don’t hesitate to contact us. Additionally, our product sample program allows you to try out any of our premium products before purchasing so that your loved one can find a product they’re comfortable with.